A reasonably attractive young man strikes up a conversation with you about salt versus no salt margaritas, and pretty soon, first hookup come to the point that he's probably going to ask you to come home with him or invite himself back to your place. No matter how many times this happens, we have patterns that we follow when dealing with a first-time hookup. You hopefully successfully remember to close your bar tab.
You curse yourself for forgetting to put your birth control in your purse. Why does hours-ago you never consider that future you might get laid? He totally might be gay, right? Even if you went home with someone last weekend, you still first hookup to rehash in your head how this all happens.
You rub yourself down with the bar of soap by the sink and call it a night. You consider this might have been a mistake. What kind of person goes for vodka before whiskey? You glance around at his either successful or unsuccessful cleaning job.
1. ignoring consent
Maybe you spot a One Direction CD or he has a pet praying mantis. He asks what kind of first hookup you like, and you shrug and say pretty much anything. Something strange and alternative comes flowing from Spotify. He might also put on the TV show he brought you there to watch. Is it weird to get it on while "Game of Thrones" is on in the background?
At this point, both parties will say anything until the time to start making out finally arrives. He is definitely trying to get you drunk er. You wonder if you should first hookup off your earrings now or if that would be presumptuous? You wonder if maybe he really did just want to watch a movie and smoke weed with you. That sometimes happens at 2 am after a night of first hookup drinking and flirting, right?
Give it a few years, maybe. There is not graceful way to get undressed, no matter what the movies contend. Speaking of roommates, what was that noise? Wait… what time is it, anyway? What movie is that creepy poster from? He should take care of that if he wants things like this to keep occurring. You curse yourself for wearing jeans.
Jeans and random hookups are among the worst combinations. You have to basically stand on the bed to get them off.
Bonus points if you fall on top of him while making this attempt. You remind him that you need a condom. He either has one practically under his pillow or has to run naked around the room to try and find one.
There is no in-between. You quietly acknowledge that first hookup to turn over and change positions on a twin bed is impossible.
Keep it casual
You lay next to him and just breathe. The show that he put on is just finishing in a strange epic battle or confrontation scene, fittingly enough. You try to discretely glance around the room to see where your clothes ended up. You ask if you should stay, and he first hookup too eagerly says "yes," obviously banking on morning sex, or he makes some excuse about a meeting or a film shoot, as you awkwardly try to find your things. Whether you stay the night or not, do you kiss him goodbye? You had fun you think first hookup he probably did, too you knowso you say goodbye with a kiss or a hug or an awkward butt tap?
Either way, you survived the random hookup. You probably did not learn anything and will definitely repeat all of these steps again next time. Even though you swear there won't be, there is always a next time. And, there you have it.
Plan an activity for beforehand
Whether you end up getting married or decide just to be pals, a first-time hookup always seems to follow a strange, slightly uncomfortable pattern. Hooking up can be awkward, but at least it's always a two-way street -- both people involved fall victim to first hookup awkwardness. By Caitlin Jill Anders. Here are some steps that might probably will happen when you, er, engage with someone for the first time: 1.
You awkwardly-while-trying-to-be-appealing smile and say "sure. You praise yourself for remembering to wear attractive underwear. You try to remember when was the last time you went home with someone. You stop blaming hours-ago you for not first hookup prepared. You try to breathe normally and almost start choking. You wonder if this is a good idea.
You disregard your theory. He still could be gay. Okay, so do you take his shirt off now? Crap, why is this bed so loud?
See how things go
Does he have roommates? Why do you still have so many questions about how this all works? Twin bed. Why does it always have to be a twin bed? You almost die getting caught in the blinds on the window next to his bed.
You definitely left your earrings behind. When you're both awkward, it's kind of cute, right? Well, fingers crossed.