Demanding that others understand us first, is not self protection. In my books, not seeking to go through the pain of understanding is a recipe for death in a relationship. I know we wish we felt safer to go first and understand them.
Understanding men helps us be confident with men, to sit back and not have the same anxieties that other women doand to stop acting possessive and needy — which really makes us feel depleted inside. Unless we are in a highly abusive relationship — even then, reacting in fear often fuels the abuse anyway. You know what? STRONG relationships are built when at least one of the people involved are willing to be totally vulnerable to the other.
So, seeking understanding is genuine vulnerability.
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A lot of people ask me; what is vulnerability? Well, this is one way of being vulnerable. To seek understanding.
And I just wanted to say; everything will be ok if you choose to understand a man first. You are not that weak. Let other people believe that; your life is too precious for that garbage. As parents, we want our child to have the greatest quality of life possible, and of course, we want him to be as safe as possible.
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And we know that, for example, when it comes to dating women, the worst thing he could have is no understanding of how women work. This helps him towards a quality of life that is infinite — because, he gave himself the resources to go first, and giving ourselves resources and understanding means we are not at the mercy of our own stories in our head about how the relationship should be, versus how it REALLY is.
At least some of the time.
The opposite of seeking would be to shut off, go numb or just be angry, or even just be apathetic and not care. There are basic and different filters through which to seek to understand men. Of course it will change you. It changes us all. Relief that our past patterns of anxieties related to men are not relevant anymore. Attunement to a man is the answer to the dilemma of pleasers. Attunement is being responsive in your interactions with him.
Pleasers, including myself in the past, have become numb and confused.
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This numbness is not particularly man seeking understanding woman though it feels safe; and it IS safe at times. When it becomes a habit though, it is a recipe for getting walked over; as with numbness, we are never in tune with how the other person is really feeling. So look for the patterns in his relationships and behaviour and you will see clearly. I know you will. Would you love to know the answers to your questions about men? What are your honest views about understanding men first?
Together with her husband D. Hi Rene! I love how fearlessly you write about the differences between men and women. I agree that in relationships, the 1st filter should be the gender.
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This is a must if you want happy and healthy relationship with a man. I learned this in my journey. I also had to change within myself. You are very smart girl about men to be so young. Renee, you are truly heaven sent! I have always tended to trust my gut instincts when it came to my feminine desires.
I grew up with four sisters and we are all so feminine that each one of us is always the femme fetal of school or work or wherever we are.
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The problem is that this world and my mother are constantly shaming and trying to control the feminine energy in … ». I met one of my neighbors just over 3 months ago. I poorly with tonsilitis on the day and he apprached me with sexual comments. Everything seemed to … ». I love your articles and blog and I read each and every single one of them.
Married men seeking an understanding women
Actually I am in a very difficult and complicated long distance relationship for over 2 years. I actually need some professional advice and I would like to know how I can get in contact with you for some counseling and to explain my story a bit better. Hi Renee, Another great article.
I believe you always have to give first, go first. When it comes to companies, even, the secret to it being a great job and career for you is to give your loyalty first, instead of asking what the company can do for you. The same goes for men we are really talking about men … ». Hi Renee, I just wanted to chime in and say that taking the time to understand men is absolutely worth the effort and yields awesome ! Hey B, Thanks so much for being here.
The differences bring a lot of pain. Hi Renee, I am loving the timing of notifications lately. Thank you for commenting. Men and not being able to articulate anything other than a single word to explain their reasons for doing something.
We keep looking for reasons…. I have been reading your blog and s for a long while now. I want to share with you what a privilige and honour it is to read your writing. You are such a sweetheart.
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You have such a wise and beautifull perspective on relationships and on life. You taught me so much not only about men but about my self. Thank you for being such a precious women.
You see before this relationship I was 6 yrs free of any and all relations with men. I prayed and trusted God would bring the right man at the right time. And He did. Ok I know it works now. Right from the get go he was looking for pity.
But this turned out to be a predator. You see, pity is a gift that we give freely, never demanded from us. Pity requires us to let our guards down, which I did, and this ended in some serious abuse. My man seeking understanding woman man, well he requires a lot from me. And he never wants pity. Oh my yes Mona. And I had to understand the difference. My new man came from what I believe a crazy woman before, and he constantly looks for blame. He would vent then it would be over. That is compassion and understanding I think. If he has enough troubles is pitiful then I have to give him the constant benefit of the doubt.
This is not logical, its what happens though.
I enjoyed reading it. In fact, it means being more balanced…as long as we are attuned to a man.
For a lot of people t does mean that.